The Biggest Disease Affecting Humanity: “I’m Not Enough" by Marisa Peer

The Biggest Disease Affecting Us: I’m Not Enough

How many times have you told yourself that you are not enough –
good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, lovable enough, worthy
enough, skinny enough, and so on?


How many times have you stopped yourself from doing the many things
you wanted to do simply because you believed you are not enough –
qualified enough, young enough, confident enough, and so on?


In this remarkable video, bestselling author and renowned hypnotherapist Marisa Peer teaches us how to completely remove our disempowering beliefs and start living the dream life we’ve always wanted.

Wayne Dyer's Top 10 Rules For Success

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4 Questions that Will Turn Your Day Around Written by Marc Chernoff

Last night I met a tired and weary soul at a local charity event.  We struck up a conversation after I helped her pick up some papers she had accidentally dropped on the floor.  She said she was volunteering at the event, and several other charity events over the next few weeks, because she didn’t really have anywhere else to be for the holidays.  Details aside, she basically told me she struggles with a lack of healthy relationships, a lack of self-confidence, and a lack of purpose in her life.
I consoled her as best I could during our 10-minute conversation, and assured her that the volunteer work she’s doing is making a difference.  Then we hugged and I handed her my business card before departing.  Hopefully she reaches out to me, because there’s so much more I’d like to share with her.  I know what it’s like to feel tired and weary, to feel down and depressed, to have no one to talk to.  I have desperately struggled with anxiety and self-confidence issues numerous times in the past.
So I’m writing this short post for her, and all my fellow souls out there who are tired and weary and struggling to find happiness today.
You are struggling, maybe even heartbroken, and this state of being is hard to deal with.  It can feel lonely, draining, and even downright hopeless sometimes.
How do you motivate yourself when you feel defeated?  How do you heal when you have little hope?  How do you connect with others when you don’t feel the self-confidence needed to put yourself out there?
I know you want answers.  And I’m so sorry you’re struggling and hurting inside.  But please know that you are not alone.  It might feel like you are, but you’re not.  I, for one, am with you because I’m thinking of you right this very moment.  I’m with you because I too have agonized and ached in very similar ways.  We have shared feelings of exhaustion, uncertainty, anxiety, heartbreak, loneliness, and hopelessness.
Yes, I am deeply connected to you, and my heart is filled with compassion for you.
And it’s not just me who understands what you’re going through either – every living, breathing human being on this planet has felt similar feelings at some point.  We are all going through life’s struggles together – we are connected through our shared adversity.  We may feel alone on the inside, but in our inner loneliness, again, we are connected.
Truth be told, the feeling of being broken and alone, cut off from the rest of society, is a delusion.  Sure, it’s a delusion that feels real.  But it’s not, I assure you.

Questions to Turn Your Day Around

While I can’t dissolve all your pain in an instant, I can offer you a few perspective-shifting questions and annotations that have helped me get through some of the toughest days of my life.  Angel and I have also subsequently used these questions and annotations in different coaching exercises to assist our course students with mentally overcoming various forms of suffering.

1.  What expectations about the past are you still (hopelessly) holding on to today?

In general, letting go of your expectations is almost always a good idea.  If you have few expectations etched in stone, you will rarely be devastated by disappointment.  Of course, it may be tremendously hard to let go of certain expectations.  Because you still expect your personal values to be respected, you don’t expect to get a debilitating illness, and you may even expect that most people mean well.  Still, the more expectations you can let go of today, the better.
But what happens when one of your expectations is tied to an unchangeable past event?  What happens when you still subconsciously expect an outcome that never came to be, and the time and place for it to transpire has passed?  You’re hopelessly stuck, that’s what!
It’s time to let it GO!
Letting go isn’t about having the ability to forget the past – it’s about having the wisdom and strength to embrace the present.
You can’t use past experience to change past outcomes, but you can use past experience to change present outcomes.  Right now you have a priceless opportunity … to practice acceptance, to let go of old expectations, and to make the best and most positive use of this moment.
Knowing when to expect and hope for outcomes – and when to let go and shift with the times – is the central challenge for spending your limited resources sensibly.  The solution to this challenge is wisdom, and wisdom doesn’t just fall from the sky.  To attain wisdom, you need life experience, including negative experiences such as heartbreak, failure, illness, loneliness and loss.  These aren’t the kind of life experiences you actively seek out, of course.  But when they find you unexpectedly, you might as well learn from them, and use them to your advantage.

2.  What could you be positive about right now, if you really wanted to be positive?

Unless you’re deeply depressed, sadness is just a feeling.  And as with all feelings, you choose it.  Yes, you actually make a (conscious or subconscious) choice to feel the way you do.  If you wanted to be positive and smile right now, it would be on purpose.  And if you wanted to frown, well, you could choose to do that too.
A smile is indeed a choice, not a miracle.  And smiling is a choice that actually makes you feel better.  The simple act of smiling sends a message to your brain that you’re happy, and then your body pumps out all kinds of feel-good endorphins.  This reaction has been studied by dozens of positive psychologists and has been widely discussed in their field.
But, of course, even if you choose to be positive and smile often, sadness is still a part of life.  Although it’s a chosen response, it’s a natural response to an adverse life experience.  And it’s generally not a bad feeling to have in the short-term, as long as you don’t allow it to consume you.  The key is to keep things in perspective, and then shift your perspective when you must.
When life doesn’t work out the way you want it to, it can feel like you have nothing at all.  But that’s not true.  The desires of our ego are often in conflict with the realities of life.  Find your balance between planning and presence – between expecting and accepting.  Work for what you want, but don’t go looking for something better every second.  You must be willing to loosen your grip on the life you have planned so you can embrace the life that is waiting for you in this moment.  It may not be everything you desire, but it’s everything you need right now.  Experience it and find the positive.
A recent scientific study discussed in The Happiness Advantage showed that doctors who are put in a positive mood before making a diagnosis consistently experience significant boosts to their intellectual abilities when compared to doctors in a neutral state.  This allows them to make accurate diagnoses almost 20% faster.  The same study then shifted to other vocations and found that positive-minded salespeople outsell their pessimistic counterparts by over 50%.  Students primed to feel positive and joyful before taking exams substantially outperform their neutral peers.  So it turns out that our minds are literally hardwired to perform at their best not when they are negative, or even neutral, but when they are positive.
Give yourself this gift today.  Put yourself in a more positive mood, so you can put your best foot forward.  (Angel and I build actionable, mood-shifting daily rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)

3.  What meaning have you assigned to your present challenges?

Even when you’re being positive, you still have challenges to deal with – there’s no escaping this reality.  But how you feel about your life has little to do with the challenges in it or what has (or hasn’t) happened to you.  The meaning you assign to these challenges controls the quality of your life.  And you may be totally unaware just how often your subconscious mind is assigning negative meaning to every little inconvenience.  So check-in with yourself…

• When something happens that disrupts your life (an illness, an injury, a loss, etc.), do you tend to think that this is the end or the beginning?
• If someone confronts you, is that person insulting you, coaching you or trying to care for you?
• Does a problem mean that God is punishing you or challenging you?  Or is it possible that this problem isn’t really a problem at all, but an opportunity?

When we shift the meaning we assign to our challenges, there’s no limit on what life can become.  A change of focus and a shift in meaning can literally alter our biochemistry and the trajectory of our lives in a couple seconds flat.
So take a deep breath and remember: Meaning equals emotion, and emotion equals power.  Choose wisely.  Learn to reframe your challenges.  Find a positive, empowering meaning in every event, and the best path forward will always be yours to travel.  (Angel and I dive deeper into reframing at our annual conference, Think Better, Live Better. The next one is taking place February 18-19, 2017.  Get a discounted early bird ticket here, while they last.  Note: you can watch short clips from our 2016 event here and here.)

 

4.  What do you NOT want others to know about you today?

This question cuts right to the heart of your insecurities.  Let it remind you that problems, flaws, and challenges are a part of everyone’s life.  Don’t be ashamed.  Don’t worry about being judged or rejected.
What other people think of you doesn’t define you.  Set yourself free from their judgment.  What they see in you is their opinion and a reflection of what they see in the world.  Some people might perceive you as smart, funny and talented, while others might think you’re average at best, or even undesirable.  To some, you might look beautiful, and to others you might look too fat or skinny.  No matter what other people’s thoughts about you are, it’s about their standards of beauty or intelligence or awareness, and it really has very little to do with YOU.
Yet, all too often we let the rejections we experience dictate every move we make.  We literally do not know ourselves to be any better than what some opinionated, uninformed person told us was true.  The truth is, a rejection doesn’t mean we aren’t good enough – it just means that some person, under some circumstance, failed to align with what we have to offer.
Rejections do NOT matter.
Let them go and refocus your attention on what DOES matter.
What does matter is how you see yourself.
Always make a habit of staying 100% true to your values and convictions, regardless of what others think.  Never be ashamed of doing what feels right.
To help you implement this positive habit, start by listing out 5-10 things that are important to you when it comes to building your character and living your life.  For example:

• Honesty
• Reliability
• Self-respect
• Self-discipline
• Compassion
• Progression
• Positivity
• etc.

Having a short list like this to reference will give you an opportunity to consciously invoke and uphold your handpicked traits and behaviors in place of doing something random simply for the purpose of external validation.  While it may sound overly simplistic, most people never take the time to actually decide what is important to them when it comes to their self-image – they let others decide for them, especially when times are tough.  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

Closing Thoughts (to Turn Your Day Around)

All details aside, the greatest key to turning your day around when you’re in a funk is to focus on TODAY ONLY – just the immediate steps you need to take.  Because no matter what’s happening, anyone can resourcefully fight the battles of just one day.  It’s only when you add the battles of those two abysmal eternities, the past and future, that life gets overwhelmingly out of hand.
So remember that it’s not the experience of today that holds you back, but the regret and resentment about something that happened yesterday or the fear and dread of what tomorrow might bring.  It’s necessary, then, to live just one day at a time – just today.
Be here now.
And just do the best you can.


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Ray Bradbury

I Am: Powerful Affirmations For Personal Transformation

“I AM are two of the most powerful words, for what you put after them shapes your reality.” ~ Unknown

The words we use to describe ourselves, our lives and the world we live in, have the power to bring us up or tear us down, to make us happy or unhappy. And these I am affirmations are meant to make you aware of how powerful your words are. They will help you understand how to use the power of I Am in a way that empowers and inspires you to be better and live a more happy, joyful and meaningful life.

POSITIVE

How to Develop Mental Toughness: Lessons From 8 Titans -Tim Ferris

“We don’t rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training.”
― Archilochus
Mental toughness can take many forms: resilience against attack, calmness in the face of uncertainty, persistence through pain, or focus amidst chaos.
Below are eight lessons from eight of the toughest human beings I know.
All are taken from the hundreds of tips and tactics in Tools of Titans: The Tactics, Routines, and Habits of Billionaires, Icons, and World-Class Performers.

#1 – IF YOU WANT TO BE TOUGHER, BE TOUGHER.
(Jocko Willink, former Navy SEAL Commander)

“If you want to be tougher mentally, it is simple: Be tougher. Don’t meditate on it.”
TIM: These words of Jocko’s helped one listener—a drug addict—get sober after many failed attempts. The simple logic struck a chord: “Being tougher” was, more than anything, a decision to be tougher. It’s possible to immediately “be tougher,” starting with your next decision. Have trouble saying “no” to dessert? Be tougher. Make that your starting decision. Feeling winded? Take the stairs anyway. Ditto. It doesn’t matter how small or big you start. If you want to be tougher, be tougher.


 

#2. I WASN’T THERE TO COMPETE. I WAS THERE TO WIN.
(Arnold Schwarzenegger)  

TIM: In my interview with Arnold, I brought up a photo of him at age 19, just before he won his first big competition, Junior Mr. Europe. I asked, “Your face was so confident compared to every other competitor. Where did that confidence come from?” He replied:
“My confidence came from my vision. . . . I am a big believer that if you have a very clear vision of where you want to go, then the rest of it is much easier. Because you always know why you are training 5 hours a day, you always know why you are pushing and going through the pain barrier, and why you have to eat more, and why you have to struggle more, and why you have to be more disciplined… I felt that I could win it, and that was what I was there for. I wasn’t there to compete. I was there to win.”

 

#3 – PUSH BEYOND, SHARE PRIVATION, TACKLE FEAR.
(4-Star General Stanley McChrystal)

TIM: The following from Gen. McChyrstal was in response to “What are three tests or practices from the military that civilians could use to help develop mental toughness?”:
“The first is to push yourself harder than you believe you’re capable of. You’ll find new depth inside yourself. The second is to put yourself in groups who share difficulties, discomfort. We used to call it ‘shared privation.’ [Definition of privation: a state in which things essential for human well-being such as food and warmth are scarce or lacking.] You’ll find that when you have been through that kind of difficult environment, you feel more strongly about that which you’re committed to. And finally, create some fear and make individuals overcome it.”

#4 – PUT FEAR IN LINE.
(Caroline Paul, luger, firefighter, and more)

TIM: In the 1990s, Caroline illegally climbed the Golden Gate Bridge, rising to ~760 feet on thin cables. She’d mentioned “putting fear in line” to me, and I asked her to dig into the specifics.
“I am not against fear. I think fear is definitely important. It’s there to keep us safe. But I do feel like some people give it too much priority. It’s one of the many things that we use to assess a situation. I am pro-bravery. That’s my paradigm.
Fear is just one of many things that are going on. For instance, when we climbed the bridge, which was five of us deciding we wanted to walk up that cable in the middle of the night. Please don’t do that, but we did. Talk about fear—you’re walking on a cable where you have to put one foot in front of the other until you’re basically as high as a 70-story building with nothing below you and . . . two thin wires on either side.
It’s just a walk, technically. Really, nothing’s going to happen unless some earthquake or catastrophic gust of wind hits. You’re going to be fine as long as you keep your mental state intact. In those situations, I look at all the emotions I’m feeling, which are anticipation, exhilaration, focus, confidence, fun, and fear. Then I take fear and say, ‘Well, how much priority am I going to give this? I really want to do this.’ I put it where it belongs. It’s like brick laying or making a stone wall. You fit the pieces together.” 

#5 – IS THAT A DREAM OR A GOAL?
(Paul Levesque/Triple H, WWE superstar and executive)

“[Evander Holyfield] said that his coach at one point told him, something like his very first day, ‘You could be the next Muhammad Ali. Do you wanna do that?’ Evander said he had to ask his mom. He went home, he came back and said, ‘I wanna do that.’ The coach said, ‘Okay. Is that a dream or a goal? Because there’s a difference.’ “I’d never heard it said that way, but it stuck with me. So much so that I’ve said it to my kid now: ‘Is that a dream, or a goal? Because a dream is something you fantasize about that will probably never happen. A goal is something you set a plan for, work toward, and achieve. I always looked at my stuff that way. The people who were successful models to me were people who had structured goals and then put a plan in place to get to those things. I think that’s what impressed me about Arnold [Schwarzenegger]. It’s what impressed me about my father-in-law [Vince McMahon].”

#6 – PAIN TOLERANCE CAN BE THE FORCE MULTIPLIER
(Amelia Boone, 3x World’s Toughest Mudder champion)

“I’m not the strongest. I’m not the fastest. But I’m really good at suffering.”

7 – WHO DO YOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH WHEN YOUR EGO FEELS THREATENED?
(Josh Waitzkin, chess prodigy, push hands world champion, first black belt under BJJ phenom Marcelo Garcia)

Back in the world of combat sports and Brazilian jiu-jitsu:
“It’s very interesting to observe who the top competitors pick out when they’re five rounds into the sparring sessions and they’re completely gassed. The ones who are on the steepest growth curve look for the hardest guy there—the one who might beat them up—while others look for someone they can take a break on.”

8 – THE MAGIC OF THE SINGLE DECISION
(Christopher Sommer, former men’s gymnastics national team coach)

TIM: We all get frustrated. I am particularly prone to frustration when I see little or no progress after several weeks of practicing something new. Despite Coach Sommer’s regular reminders about connective-tissue adaptations taking 200 to 210 days, after a few weeks of flailing with “straddle L extensions,” I was at my wits’ end. Even after the third workout, I had renamed them “frog spaz” in my workout journal because that’s what I resembled while doing them: a frog being electrocuted.
Each week, I sent Coach Sommer videos of my workouts via Dropbox. In my accompanying notes at one point, I expressed how discouraging it was to make zero tangible progress with this exercise. Below is his email response, which I immediately saved to Evernote to review often.
It’s all great, but I’ve bolded my favorite part.
“Dealing with the temporary frustration of not making progress is an integral part of the path towards excellence. In fact, it is essential and something that every single elite athlete has had to learn to deal with. If the pursuit of excellence was easy, everyone would do it. In fact, this impatience in dealing with frustration is the primary reason that most people fail to achieve their goals. Unreasonable expectations time-wise, resulting in unnecessary frustration, due to a perceived feeling of failure. Achieving the extraordinary is not a linear process.
The secret is to show up, do the work, and go home.
A blue collar work ethic married to indomitable will. It is literally that simple. Nothing interferes. Nothing can sway you from your purpose. Once the decision is made, simply refuse to budge.
Refuse to compromise.
And accept that quality long-term results require quality long-term focus. No emotion. No drama. No beating yourself up over small bumps in the road. Learn to enjoy and appreciate the process. This is especially important because you are going to spend far more time on the actual journey than with those all too brief moments of triumph at the end.
Certainly celebrate the moments of triumph when they occur. More importantly, learn from defeats when they happen. In fact, if you are not encountering defeat on a fairly regular basis, you are not trying hard enough. And absolutely refuse to accept less than your best.
Throw out a timeline. It will take what it takes.
If the commitment is to a long-term goal and not to a series of smaller intermediate goals, then only one decision needs to be made and adhered to. Clear, simple, straightforward. Much easier to maintain than having to make small decision after small decision to stay the course when dealing with each step along the way. This provides far too many opportunities to inadvertently drift from your chosen goal. The single decision is one of the most powerful tools in the toolbox.”

9 Ways to Silence Self-Criticism and Embrace Self-Love

“I don’t know a perfect person. I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.” ~John Green
Do you ever wonder if that voice in your head is right?
Do you re-live events, scouring through every detail to look for places where you went wrong in your actions?
Do you ever walk away from a conversation with your inner voice ranting that you should have done better—that you should have said this or that instead?
That self-critical voice became a prominent friend of mine. I called it the gremlin. The gremlin leapt onto my shoulder after every conversation with a friend or acquaintance. Whispering in my ear in a snarky voice, repeating every sentence and telling me what I should’ve said instead.
The gremlin and I would have dinner together after a shopping trip and review how much I’d spent, critiquing what I should have left at the store. We would then scrutinize the meal I’d just eaten and have a dash of dessert, since I had already gone overboard. This would inevitably be followed by a vicious verbal attack on my body.
The worst part was that the gremlin played on my insecurities, exposed my weaknesses, and actually made me more critical of others (in an attempt to silence my criticism of myself).
I realized how detrimental a friend the gremlin was when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. During a group therapy exercise, I could not write down two people who I thought would have something good to say about me. I just sat there with tears from my ugly-cry falling in my lap. It robbed me of any joy in relationship with others and myself.
It was a devastating eye-opener.
Allowing the gremlin to run the show had eroded my self-love and ruined my self-esteem.
Self-criticism had dirtied my mind into thinking that nothing would ever go my way. I had nothing left inside that seemed admirable. All that I had experienced and achieved up until that point had no meaning for me.
I eventually managed to break it off with my self-critical voice and built unconditional self-love. But it took consistent practice in searching for my own valuable qualities.

 

These are some of the methods that worked for me:

1. Confront your own gremlin.

Confrontation is difficult, especially if it’s a part of yourself that you’re confronting.
But if you want to rid yourself of your gremlin, you have to do it.
How?
One of the first things I did was consciously examine every thought. I listened to the tone of my internal dialogue. I found that it was not a loving or supportive voice.
It was hard to recognize at first, but with practice I heard the distinct voice of my gremlin. I began to question its validity. Where its criticisms actually true? Was it taking things out of context?
I questioned the beliefs about myself that the gremlin had been whispering to me all those years. I realized I had taken many things out of context and my inner criticisms were extreme and punitive.
Would it surprise you if I told you it is actually very satisfying to call out your gremlin and put it on sabbatical? It is a relief to confront the unending criticism and listen for a more supportive voice. When you stop taking its criticisms to heart, you’ll finally open yourself to self-love.

2. Choose gentle observation.

This world is a competitive place and it’s easy to fall into the trap of scrutinizing your abilities. You have a lot invested and want to control the outcome of your experiences. This can create high expectations and disappointment when things do not run smoothly.
At one of my past employers if I made a mistake at work I would end up falling into the pattern of berating myself all day long. This accumulated until I no longer felt I did a good job, lowering my self-esteem.
Now I choose to gently observe my productivity and monitor my progress. If I make a mistake I correct it to the best of my ability and move on.
It is through repeated acknowledgement that your self-love is able to blossom. Create a habit of recognizing a kinder vision of yourself—one that is more humane.

3. Forgive yourself and then forgive yourself again.

We all make mistakes, but even tragic ones do not warrant withholding self-love. Self-forgiveness is an art that needs to be practiced and reinforced, especially when you’ve got a harsh internal self-critic.
My gremlin has berated me through the years about not being a dedicated parent due to my time spent on self-care. To prevent myself from slipping back into depression and anxiety, self-care has become my lifeline and a way to maintain good health. Occasionally I have to put it before my family so I may attend groups or self improvement classes.
My family feels the impact of it and when they protest, my self-critic whispers until I feel guilty.
So I forgive myself for the time I’ve spent away. I forgive myself for forgetting something important that they told me because I was preoccupied with keeping my mind quiet. I forgive myself for putting myself at the top of my priority list.
Forgiveness is a skill to be honed and perfected. The main benefit is freedom from the scorn of your inner critic. So forgive yourself daily.
Every night before you go to sleep, make some time in your bedtime ritual to forgive yourself for something, even if it’s just a small mistake or done out of necessity. Tell yourself it’s okay, that these things happen, and see if there is a way to improve the situation.

4. Expand your view.

Sometimes you only see what is in focus. But when you focus on something too closely, you miss all the beautiful scenery. A Monet painting looks like mere splotches if you scrutinize it closely. But when you look at it from a distance, its beauty is breathtaking.
In the past, whenever a friend hadn’t returned a call or were late for a night out, my gremlin would tell me they didn’t like me anymore. It would tell me it’s me and I was sliding down the popularity scale.
But this was never the case. Whenever I expanded the view, I realized my friends had their own lives keeping them busy and they missed me as much as I missed them. When we would finally get together we had a great time and I would experience all the love that was available to me.
Your inner critic will always focus on the negative possibilities and make everything your fault. But when you expand your view, you’ll see the world is a very intricate, complicated piece of art meant to be appreciated as a whole.

5. Let go of judgment.

Life unfolds and conversations evolve in the moment. It is when we look back with the benefit of hindsight that we judge ourselves for what was said and done. This habit is difficult to break.
Recently I had a conversation with my daughter. It really could have gone better, we ended up yelling, screaming, and crying. I let my emotions control my responses.
My gremlin started in and I immediately shut it down. I could have easily let it rage on with the judgments. I recognized that I could’ve done a better job of pausing and controlling my emotions.
When you recognize those moments in which you’re judging yourself, show yourself compassion. You didn’t know how that moment would develop. You were just doing the best you could.
It’s okay to think about what went wrong, but only in the spirit of improving yourself so that you don’t make the same mistakes.

6. Choose something different.

The inner critic often falls into certain thought patterns, and recognizing these patterns can help you develop different ones. A common phrase your inner critic may use, for example, are the words, “You always . . .”
My self-critic would tell me “You always, interrupt people when they are talking.”
It was true. I felt an inner excitement to share my experience when someone was talking with me and I would interrupt them. I started to purposefully pause and became a deep listener. It has given me a deeper connection to the people I encounter.
Listen for your inner critic’s distinct phrases; it’s a key time to evaluate the situation and try a different approach or reaction. This is probably one of the only times your inner critic is being helpful.
When you choose a different way to act or react, you hone your skills and gain confidence in making choices that are beneficial to yourself and others.

7. Remove the shackles.

Sometimes being chained to your self-critic becomes comfortable and keeps you in familiar surroundings. The voice tells you to stay put or you risk failure.
What part of you is afraid to try something new? The freedom to explore new opportunities can uncover talents you possess, build upon your strengths, and may even lead to a new career or hobby.
I benched my inner critic and started playing ice hockey at forty-three years old despite the fact I couldn’t skate at first. I gained new friends, improved my health, and learned some teamwork skills.
The next time you recognize that your self-critic is keeping you safe, sign up for that class you’ve been eyeing or do something epic. Call that crazy friend of yours who is always going skydiving, and give it a try. You may just find an activity you become passionate about.

8. Recognize yourself in others.

We can often see others’ strengths more clearly and forgive their mistakes more easily than our own. But the qualities you see in other people are in you as well. It’s called the mirror effect.
If you practice thinking kindly of and speaking kindly to others, it’s easier to recognize your common strengths.
For example, pick two people now. What strengths do you admire in them? What do you normally compliment them on? Make a list of those strengths. Where do you see them in yourself as well?
Optimize how you can rely on those strengths to help build more self-love.

9. Unwrap your imperfection like a gift.

Your gremlin has been sharing your imperfections with you for years. Acknowledge how those traits can work for you in your life.
I have always been obsessive to the point that it has prevented me from finishing projects and kept me up all hours of the night. Simple projects that someone else would complete as “good enough” would become epic projects exacting perfection for me.
My gremlin would tell me if I didn’t do something the right way I shouldn’t bother doing it at all.
But while this obsessiveness can be a curse, it can also be a blessing. You’ll never find me delivering sloppy work.
For instance, when I was a teenager, I had pleasantly surprised my parents when they had me sand the peeling bathroom ceiling and it came out as smooth as silk.
And as an adult I ran a large craft fair. I’d obsess over every detail for months, but this resulted in every fair going off without a hitch for the five years I helped.
No matter what perceived flaws you have, you are an extraordinary human being. When have these flaws actually been helpful, and when have they hindered you? Choose to work on two flaws that would vastly improve your life, and accept the others as unique personality traits.

Live free from Self-Criticism and Embrace Self-Love

Since I’ve been challenging my inner critic I no longer waste time putting myself down. Instead, I have developed a deep appreciation for my personal strengths and feel more confident. My depression is gone and my anxiety has subsided. My mind doesn’t race after every conversation and I feel a sense of peace most days.
You too can experience this kind of freedom.
It takes a simple awareness that will develop easily if you pick one or two of these methods and start to use them mindfully. Your skills at recognizing your self-critic will slowly build until you are not listening to it at all.
Give yourself permission to let that cantankerous voice go and replace it with a supportive, empowering recognition of your strengths.
Radiate so much love for yourself that the gremlin will be stunned into silence.

By Charlene Anestis

Edmund Hilary

Michael Beckwith

How to Release Shame and Stop Feeling Fundamentally Flawed

“But shame is like a wound that is never exposed and therefore never heals.” ~Andreas Eschbach
Shame. Everybody has it. Nobody wants to talk about it. The less we talk about it, the more power it has over us.
Shame goes to the core of a person and makes them feel there is something inherently wrong with them.
I remember when I was a young girl, I struggled so much with feeling I was ‘less than’ others.
There were many nights when I would say prayers to help change me. I didn’t like my freckles. I was so embarrassed by my body. I hated the fact that I had a lisp. My skin was either pale as a ghost or the color of a tomato. I would get blotchy when I was the center of attention. This list could truly go on and on. What I was really experiencing was a strong sense of shame.
Shame is often the trademark in hurting families, and almost always part of the underlying matrix of psychological conditions.
It may start with someone not owning their own feelings and making it about someone else. I was such a sensitive kid. I would get made fun of for having emotions, and this eventually led to my own struggles with insecurity that surfaced as depression and anxiety.
In our society, shame and guilt are often intertwined. However, these two emotions are quite different.
Guilt’s focus is on behavior. It’s about what we do. When we experience guilt, we have gone against our own code of ethics.
Guilt tells me that I am not doing what has been expected of me. This emotion usually serves as being an internal conscience. It helps me to not act on harmful impulses. The great thing about guilt is our values get reaffirmed. There is a possibility of repair. We can learn and grow.
Shame’s focus is on the self. It’s not that I did something bad, but that I am bad. It gives us the sense that we do not measure up to others. We are defective. We are damaged goods.
A person cannot grow while they are in a space of shame, and they cannot shame others to change. This concept is like saying “you are worthless and incapable of change, but change anyway.”
When we’re in shame, we don’t see the bigger picture. We feel alone, exposed, and deeply flawed.
Oftentimes, we will respond to shame by moving away from it, moving toward it, or moving against it. Moving away from it means to withdraw, hide, and/or stay silent. Moving toward would be appeasing and/or pleasing others. Moving against suggests we try to gain power over others. We use shame to fight shame.
As human beings, we are wired for connection. We come into the world needing connection in order to survive. When we are in shame we unravel our ability to connect. Our first reaction to shame is to hide.
This may mean we work all the time, attach to someone in an unhealthy relationship, or withdraw from our community. More so, we may have difficulty with healthy levels of self-esteem. We may fluctuate between arrogance, grandiosity, and low self-worth. As a result of this dynamic, we are either one up or one down in a relationship. Relationships lack substance, honesty and meaning.

 
According to the research of Brené Brown, shame needs three things to survive: silence, secrecy, and judgment.
Shame thrives on being undetected. The only thing shame cannot possibly survive is empathy.
We have to find courage to talk about shame. When we dig past the surface, we find that shame is what drives our fear of rejection, to not take risks, to hate our bodies, and to worry about the judgment of others.
We are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors or to attack others. When we are honest about our struggles, we are less likely to get stuck in the black tar of shame. Shame cannot hold on when we name it.
So, how do we become aware of shame? And, what can we do about it?

Well, we first have to name shame when we are feeling it.

When I make statements like “I am an embarrassment” or “I am such a failure,” what I’m really feeling is shame. When I attack my being, I need to recognize the shame and reframe the belief. “I am not an embarrassment, I just did an embarrassing thing.”

The next step is to develop more awareness about when I am experiencing shame.

We have to become mindful of our triggers to shame. Our feelings, beliefs, and actions are motivated by these triggers whether we acknowledge them or not. So, when we are feeling shame, we want to interrupt it with more positive thought patterns.

Ego repair comes next.

We have to track and replace that negative internal dialogue, and put ourselves around positive and meaningful influences. It’s important at this stage to practice loving-kindness to ourselves and others. A great practical tool is talking to and treating yourself the way you would someone you love dearly. You would never call someone worthless, right? So, why do that to yourself?

Name and return shame.

I was picked on a lot as a kid for being overweight. I experienced shame in my gut and in my chest. I would often feel sick to my stomach. Eventually, I developed beliefs that I was “worthless and unlovable.” These came from an ample amount of being hurt by my peers.
As I grew into an adult, I lost a good amount of weight, but still held onto those beliefs. Of course, I learned that weight has nothing to do with worth and love. I was able to name where that shame came from, and put it back on my peers who hurt me out of their own ignorance, pain, or confusion.
If we are unable to put shame back in its place, we will continue to attract people and situations that validate those negative beliefs and recreate shame in our lives.

Avoid negative situations and build positive supports.

It is crucial to place yourself around healthy and loving people. When I am active in my shame, I often want to cocoon. During these times of isolation, I feel more alone and shameful. If I am able to simply communicate what is happening with me to someone who loves me, the power of my shame diminishes.
In order to understand where we are and where we want to go, we have to have self-acceptance about who we are. Shame can make for discomfort in relationships with others. If we could work on developing a loving relationship with ourselves, our ability to be intimate and authentic increases.
It is vital that we learn to separate shame from the person.
We need to understand that shame is an emotion. The concern, though, is many people have turned shame from an emotion to a state of being. We want to be able to transform it back into a feeling. All of our emotions have functions. Shame, similar to other feelings, is attempting to protect us from some sort of threat. However, it often is a misperceived threat.
We cannot become resistant to shame, but we can develop resilience to it.
We have to help one another know we are not alone in our experiences and in our feelings. It is helpful to have corrective, validating, and emotional experiences with someone we love. We have to understand that part of our shared humanity is having parts of our selves we are scared to show, but we have to be brave enough to show it anyway.

By Lauren Golombek

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